Falling in love feels personal and spontaneous, making it seem odd, even offensive, to suggest that society or culture plays a critical role in our most intimate moments. However, history reveals a variety of approaches to love, each influenced by the prevailing cultural backdrop. Since around 1750, we have been living in an era of Romanticism, a period that has shaped our understanding and expectations of love.

The Emergence and Influence of Romanticism

Romanticism emerged in Europe in the mid-18th century, championed by poets, artists, and philosophers. It has since spread worldwide, subtly yet powerfully influencing how individuals approach relationships. Romanticism has shaped our expectations, directing us toward a vision of love that is deeply hopeful, passionate, and emotionally intense.

The Romantic Template of Love

Though no single relationship perfectly fits the Romantic template, its broad outlines are frequently present:

1. Hopeful Marriage: Romanticism posits that a long-term marriage can maintain the excitement of a love affair. It fused the concept of practical, emotionally temperate unions with passionate love stories, creating the notion of lifelong passionate love marriages.
2. Union of Love and Sex: Romanticism elevated sex as the supreme expression of love, making frequent, mutually satisfying sex a marker of a healthy relationship. This view inadvertently turned infrequent sex and adultery into catastrophes.
3. End to Loneliness: True love, according to Romanticism, means the end of loneliness. The right partner would intuitively understand us, often without needing words.
4. Guided by Feelings: Romanticism advocates for choosing partners based on feelings rather than practical considerations, in stark contrast to the historically pragmatic approach to relationships.
5. Disdain for Practicalities: Practical considerations like financial compatibility or shared domestic habits are seen as un-romantic, relegated to a last resort, or viewed with suspicion.

The Romantic Script and Its Discontents

The Romantic script sets high expectations for relationships, including immediate and sustained attraction, perpetual satisfaction, exclusivity, intuitive understanding, and unending emotional and sexual intensity. These ideals, however, often lead to disappointment and frustration, as they present an unrealistic view of love and relationships.

Delusional Expectations

In the age of Romanticism, certain beliefs about love and relationships have become normative, though they often border on the delusional. To be considered normal within this framework, many of the following are expected to happen:

1. Extraordinary Attraction: We should meet someone of extraordinary inner and outer beauty and immediately feel a special attraction to them, and they to us.
2. Everlasting Sexual Satisfaction: We should have highly satisfying sex, not just at the start, but forever.
3. Exclusive Attraction: We should never be attracted to anyone else once we are in love.
4. Intuitive Understanding: We should understand each other intuitively, without needing extensive communication.
5. No Need for Education in Love: Unlike careers requiring training, love is presumed to be something we can master by following our feelings, without any formal education or guidance.
6. Total Transparency and Togetherness: We should have no secrets from each other and spend constant time together, with work and other commitments never interfering.
7. Uninterrupted Family and Romantic Life: We should be able to raise a family without losing any sexual or emotional intensity.
8. All-encompassing Partnership: Our partner must fulfill the roles of soulmate, best friend, co-parent, co-chauffeur, accountant, household manager, and spiritual guide.

These expectations create an incredibly challenging task for anyone trying to navigate a relationship. They contribute to feelings of inadequacy and guilt when relationships inevitably fall short of these idealized standards.

The Consequences of Romanticism

Romanticism, despite its beauty and emotional depth, has been detrimental to our ability to maintain successful relationships. It has established a normative yet delusional script that sets us up for failure. By examining the history of Romanticism, we can understand that many of our relationship troubles stem not from personal failings but from unrealistic cultural expectations.

Toward a Post-Romantic Vision of Love

To salvage love, we must systematically question Romantic assumptions and develop a post-Romantic theory of relationships. This approach is not cynical but aims to honor the hope for good relationships with a more realistic and psychologically mature perspective.

Principles of Post-Romantic Love

A post-Romantic vision of love encourages attitudes that are unfamiliar yet potentially more effective:

1. Separation of Love and Sex: It is normal for love and sex to not always coincide.
2. Discussing Practicalities: Open discussions about money and practical matters early in the relationship are essential and not a betrayal of love.
3. Acceptance of Flaws: Recognizing that both partners are flawed can increase tolerance and generosity.
4. Realistic Expectations: Understanding that no single person can fulfill all our needs helps manage expectations and reduces dissatisfaction.
5. Effort in Communication: Effective communication requires effort and cannot rely solely on intuition. Discussing seemingly trivial matters, like household chores, is significant and dignified.

A More Hopeful Future for Love

Adopting these principles can lead to a more hopeful future for relationships. By moving beyond the unrealistic ideals of Romanticism, we can develop more resilient, understanding, and fulfilling partnerships.

Romanticism has influenced our understanding of love, but its ideals often set us up for failure. By recognizing the limitations of Romantic assumptions and embracing a post-romantic approach, we can cultivate more realistic and satisfying relationships. This new vision of love encourages open communication, acceptance of imperfections, and practical considerations, paving the way for healthier and more enduring connections.