The Idealized Vision of Success

In society, success is often perceived as a culmination of hard work, ambition, and talent. It’s the prize at the end of a journey, the validation for sacrifices made along the way. People envision success as bringing a sense of satisfaction and completeness, the feeling of “having made it.” This idealized version of success includes visions of wealth, recognition, and the admiration of others. But what happens when this dream finally becomes a reality? For many, the experience is far from the anticipated euphoria, leaving them feeling strangely empty.

Expectation vs. Reality: The Myth of Success

Success is often pursued with the hope that it will provide lasting happiness, eliminate insecurities, and resolve feelings of inadequacy. The expectation is that upon achieving a certain status or wealth, one will finally feel worthy and whole. Unfortunately, the reality of success rarely aligns with these expectations. Instead, the joy of accomplishment is often fleeting, and people are left with a void, wondering why their achievements haven’t brought the satisfaction they envisioned.

The Initial High and Sudden Emptiness

Take the example of a young dancer who achieved an extraordinary double-win at a prestigious competition. While the initial high of applause and praise felt exhilarating, it quickly faded away, leaving her feeling empty and lonely. This sudden drop from elation to emptiness is not uncommon. Many people, after reaching career milestones or receiving recognition, find themselves feeling unfulfilled. Why does this happen?

One explanation is that when achievements are tied to external validation, such as applause, awards, or money, the sense of fulfillment depends on factors outside of oneself. When that external validation fades, individuals are left alone with their thoughts and unresolved emotions. Success, when it hinges on others’ approval, becomes a fragile and unreliable source of happiness.

Chasing an Elusive Ideal

So many people today are caught up in the relentless pursuit of more: more money, status, influence, or recognition. They envision success as having the perfect career, the ideal relationship, or the body they’ve always wanted. But in chasing these goals, they often fail to appreciate the value of what they already have. This happens because of what psychologists refer to as the negativity bias, the black hole problem, and the comparison trap, which sabotage self-worth and make it difficult for people to recognize and feel successful in the present moment.

The Negativity Bias: Why We Can’t See Our Success

The negativity bias is a psychological phenomenon where we are more likely to focus on negative experiences than positive ones. This bias, rooted in our evolutionary past, served to protect us from dangers. Today, however, it can lead us to discount our achievements and focus instead on what we lack or what’s wrong. Even people with great accomplishments, like a successful blogger, a top financial analyst, or a talented performer, may feel inferior because their minds are fixated on shortcomings rather than successes.

For instance, a well-known blogger may have thousands of devoted followers who express their gratitude through letters and messages. Yet, she feels unsuccessful because she hasn’t reached a certain income level. The financial analyst who has made millions and gained recognition in his field still feels inadequate because he craves a more fulfilling social life. This distorted view of reality can make people feel like failures even when they’ve accomplished remarkable things.

The Black Hole Problem: Chasing an Ever-Moving Target

Another reason for this dissatisfaction is what’s called the black hole problem. Success, when defined by tangible metrics like wealth or recognition, is elusive because there’s always more to be attained. Someone might set a goal to get a promotion, and upon achieving it, immediately start craving the next title. The goalpost keeps moving, creating a perpetual sense of lack and dissatisfaction.

This problem is compounded by the mind’s tendency to auto-crave. Even when we achieve something we thought would make us happy, we soon start longing for something else, forgetting the satisfaction we felt just moments before. For example, a speaker who was once thrilled to have clients pay for his flights later found himself discontent, thinking, “If they only paid for first class, then I’d feel successful.” The moment one craving is satisfied, another takes its place, creating a never-ending cycle of pursuit and discontent.

The Comparison Trap: The Illusion of Perfection

Comparison is another significant trap that leads to feelings of inadequacy. People often compare their beginnings to others’ endings, making them feel inferior. A beginner in a business might look at successful entrepreneurs and feel discouraged, not realizing that they are comparing their own first steps to someone else’s well-established career.

Moreover, we tend to idealize those we look up to, assuming that their lives are perfect and free of struggles. This illusion can deepen our own sense of inadequacy. We think, “If I’m successful, why do I still have these problems? Why isn’t everything perfect?” This mindset overlooks the reality that everyone, no matter how accomplished, still faces the same fundamental human struggles and imperfections.

How to Feel the Success You’ve Already Earned

To truly feel successful, it’s crucial to redefine what success means on a personal level. It’s about shifting focus from external validation to internal satisfaction. Here are a few ways to achieve this:

1. Fall in Love with the Process: No matter what you’re working on, the process will demand more of your time and energy than the results will. If you can enjoy the daily steps towards your goals—whether that’s learning, creating, or growing—you’ll find more satisfaction in your work.

2. Adjust Your Definition of Success: Success isn’t about eliminating all of life’s problems. It’s about being able to navigate them with resilience and grace. It’s about finding joy and meaning in the present, rather than placing happiness at some future destination.

3. Focus on Internal Validation: Rather than seeking worth from external sources like praise or money, build a foundation of self-worth from within. Recognize the small wins and value the person you are, regardless of what you achieve.

4. Overcome the Negativity Bias: Actively notice what’s going well in your life. By countering the brain’s tendency to focus on the negative, you’ll start to see the beauty and success that’s already around you.

5. Avoid the Comparison Trap: Remember that everyone’s journey is unique. Comparing yourself to others is an unfair measure of success because you’re not seeing their struggles and failures.

Redefining Success for Genuine Fulfillment

Success, as society defines it, often leaves people feeling empty because it’s based on external validation rather than internal growth. True fulfillment comes from self-acceptance, internal satisfaction, and finding joy in the process rather than the outcome. By understanding the cognitive biases and redefining success as a personal journey rather than a destination, we can experience a deeper sense of contentment and fulfillment.